The Job I Was Born to Do

I’ve started writing a recurring column about online political gambling. If you were to feed my talents and experience into an algorithm that would identify the perfect job for someone, I bet the Threadster column would come out. It’s wise-assy, it’s political, it benefits from pedantry, and there are, basically, no rules. Because it is based on comments of gamblers on the PredictIt site, research consists of reading what other people write and stealing the funniest bits.

I get to write things like this:

From the Who will be the Democratic nominee? thread, we find a suggestion that would make not just a good betting market, but also an excellent pay-per-view event. ToDaMoon proposes the following: “Sanders and Warren in a kickboxing match. Who do you think would win?”

We don’t care. Just give us third-row seats, close to the action but out of the range of drool splatter, and an undercard that includes a cage match between Kellyanne and George Conway, and we are there.

As for the betting interest, Bernie’s a tough old coot, but if it goes more than two rounds we’re guessing his bum ticker comes into play and he drops his guard. Liz will seize the opportunity to land a roundhouse left that wouldn’t faze a kitten, but Democrats will recoil in horror and award the championship belt to Joe Biden, who’s snoozing with big donors in a luxury box.

Who’s in?

I also get to do the graphics. It’s really hard to get the head size right.

You can find it once a week at the Star Spangled Gamblers website.